Let me just say up-front: my main blogging nowadays happens on twitter. I put more words into twitter than livejournal, wordpress, and facebook combined. The sheer volume is ridiculous and embarrassing.
The thing is, I like the speed of it, the feeling of synchronicity. It's like having an IM with everyone and noone, at the same time. Shouting into the void. Sometimes it hollers back.
If you didn't know, mine is <a href="http://www.twitter.com/#!/negativecos>@negativecos</a>. If you have a twitter, cool, maybe you'll follow me. If you don't... well, at least you know why I seem quiet everywhere else.
oh my god I'm so mad. The boss at the kindergarten pulled me aside when I came in this morning, and told me I'm now teaching a different class. It's K2 instead of K1, and it's ESL instead of Pre-E, and I'm not allowed to say goodbye to the kids in my old class. My K1 (three-year-olds) apparently cried all day with the sub, because no one told them (or me) I wouldn't be there, and I won't get to see my first-graders this afternoon, so I can't even hug them, and I'm not coming back here after today. This sort of lateral transfer is probably due to me being a pretty good teacher, the gossip farm informs me, but this feels like a punishment. Mostly because of the way it was decided, and the way they told me. Like, "oh hi, from this moment onwards nothing you've done or learned means anything. Have fun with this completely different job! And have fun learning these new kids' names. "
The class that I'm now teaching has had four teachers in five weeks, due to various staffing bullshit and a lot of teachers quitting. And I am not at all mystified as to why they quit, but the school knows I won't quit because they know I love the kids and would never do that but I spent half the morning in tears, missing my toddlers and worrying about them and feeling so, so disoriented and guilty. It's true that I shouldn't have gotten emotionally attached to the kids in the first place, I knew that was a vulnerability, but I honestly thought that being a good teacher would result in stability for me and my kids, and it is kind of the opposite. And apparently I still have to do extra hours of grading. I've flat-out told my (now former) Boss #2 that I don't work for free, so we'll see how that goes I guess... She's going to try to argue with the higher-ups and Boss #1 (at kindergarten) to give me a couple hours overtime next week to grade exams, rather than forcing me to do it at home.
It occurs to me that I don't update this very much anymore? Which is dumb. I read my lj flist daily, often more. I check it before I glance at tumblr, even! (The syntax: gmail, twitter, lj, tumblr, jf, then random fucking around unless something interesting has cropped up on one of those. Or if Homestuck updated. (HUSSIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!))
So. My life lately: this morning two kids threw up, after no throwing-up all month. One was because she's new and tiny and cried so hard her little body couldn't contain her SADNESS AND RAGE. The other was probably because he cannot eat properly? And then he played with it quietly 'til we discovered it. So I didn't really eat lunch, was put off the whole notion. In other news, the typhoon that was dry and extremely windy all weekend has folded into a dreary sort of cold-and-rainy. I'm enjoying the cold! But not the rain, that sucks to drive a moped in, I tell you what.
And in fandom news, Homestuck. Homestuck homestuck homestuck I don't know any other words that aren't "home" and "stuck." (Unless sometimes Hive and Bent?)
I keep trying to kick my ass into gear, writing-wise (or work-wise or painting- or anything-wise), but it keeps coming back around to shitty wine and fanfiction.
I'm working on a long letter to Jim. I don't know why I want to tell him about my Moral Quandries About Teaching English, or my Nothing Excites Me Like Syntax, or the like, but I do. I don't think he'll respond, really, but I want him to know. It's a little weird.
edited because this doesn't deserve a separate entry, but I have alienated or lost or drifted from a number of very dear-to-me friends through a weird combination of long droughts of neglect followed by mean floods of clinginess. And then sometimes I run into them on the internet, or rather, I see their name on something, mentioned offhand, and I get really sad. Which is why when I drink half a bottle of wine (a lot for me, thanks) I tend to tell those ones I haven't run off yet how much I love them, which is (possibly ironically) a form of that intense clinginess that ran some of the old ones off in the first place. But also the neglect, yes. Months or years of it. Because I'm awful.
Yes I'm still drinking, fuck off.
Didn't want to post 'til I caught up on my flist, which took skip=190 (with some judicious filtering), but here I finally am. Work starts tomorrow, and I'm underprepared and mildly suspicious of my employers, but not so much so that it's affecting my mood. I've done a little Chinese practice today (at Devin's fervent fucking urging, and very strict oversight), and felt very much like I felt doing homework in gradeschool.
Which... is a thing I'm about to be in charge of, for a handful of kids. Dear god I'm going to control their lives in a very particular way, and I'm doing it in their non-native language, and I'm not allowed to be soft with them because apparently the parents here will fuck my shit up. I hope I don't ruin anything.
In other news, I read Homestuck, caught up, and read a shittonne of fic in a short amount of time. As such, I'm taking recs, because I'm hungry for more! Also good art. (Yes I realize most of that is on tumblr, but I'm even more behind there than I am here.)
Annnnnd in other other news I seem to be actually rping again. Weird.
Flight booked to Taipei, then another one in October to Manila for visa purposes.
I keep double-booking myself socially, then blowing more than half of it off. Last night I was supposed to get my tattoo touched up, go to pints, and proceed to Rainbow Room, but ended up staying in bed and falling asleep before ten. Tonight I'm supposed to help Fesla move, pick up Devin from the airport, have friends over for margaritas, and go to the Ke$ha party (read: all-night last-big-shitshow of Santa Cruz)... obviously two of those can't get blown off, so we'll see how that goes. And then tomorrow I'm supposed to hang out with my sister, move two bookcases and a hundred books on my own, and not sleep (wink). And, of course, I'm working Saturday and Sunday. My moodswings are getting a little weird, a little fast and sensitive, too. Blegh.
After a rather tumultuous decision-making application-sending process, it is mostly decided that I am going to move to Nanjing. In like a month. I'll stay there and teach for a year.
This'll be... interesting. I'm'a have to figure out some proxies and such so I can still do internets. Uhm. Wish me luck?
Dizzy spells have failed to dispell so I'm at PAMF having just talked to my Primary and having been scheduled for a neurologist appointment and a carotid ultrasound (since she heard a murmur there). Current working theory is that it's magical pain-free migraines. Unless it's not. For anyone that wants to play House, here are the symptoms:
-dizzyness/light-headedness/vertigo for short spells, usually 2-10 min with no warning
-very slight light sensitivity, occasional tunnel vision
-balance issues, especially with my eyes closed but sometimes I just stumble
-very clumsy, typing and knitting = increased error rate, sometimes I just drop what I'm holding, or stumble for no reason
-I frequently "just feel like I'm really wasted" despite zero alcohol intake for a week and a half
Differential diagnosis, people! (Whoever suggests lupus and can actually back it up wins a booby prize!)
Survived week one of "being a real person." Not enjoying it. Needs more merriment, less slave-to-the-economy-ment. Is it time for school yet?